if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
we're so committed to being not committed
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
