It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
