That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.