And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.