I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
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you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
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Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.