Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila