Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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