Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO