ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
ok first of all what the fuck
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
