I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo