Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me