No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
