Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
