i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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