he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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