I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in