Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
found the other keg... it's in the tree
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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