3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
