Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
