You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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