He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
