I accidentally burped into my bong.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?