The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
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I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.