I can tuck mytits in my pants
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
