If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
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i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
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pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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