I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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