I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
