The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
