i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I wear drunk well.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
