I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
