I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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