She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
