opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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