I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
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He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
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He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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