So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
