I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
