anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
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Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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