Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
