It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
