I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
