hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
