Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
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Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
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Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you