spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.