Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.