every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize