I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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