Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
