Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
