One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
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You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
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I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
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