I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
