Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
God I need to hump something, right now.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
