We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
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Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
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Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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