The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
