cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
