I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised