Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Some Animals Are Total Jerks (10+ pics)
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.