i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.