I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm gonna fight the coyote
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
