hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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